My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
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I have never related to a cat more
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.