CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
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When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.