*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
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I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Rather alarming headline…
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)