Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.