Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
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If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Finished stitching this today 😇
Mad Max Arctic Road