me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
You Might Also Like
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I have questions??
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.