Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
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Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Time heals everything 🙂
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave