I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
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devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
#SCOTUS one-star review
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.