the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
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Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”