I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
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When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Beware of fowl play.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.