The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
You Might Also Like
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?