Heroic Misunderstanding
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Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Damn he played himself
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I love twitter
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?