Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
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Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer