Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
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I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I am also baked goods
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.