Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
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A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
termite twitter scares me
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet