Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
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A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”