[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
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Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
What if the weather talks about us?
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
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What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!