She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
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She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
never deleting this app.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Had to try this trend 😊
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno