My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”