Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
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Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I know
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap