found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
You Might Also Like
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
🤣
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
i meant to share this earlier
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar