Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
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Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.