Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
You Might Also Like
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
three things we don’t talk about
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”