anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
You Might Also Like
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.