I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
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TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..