Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
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*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Steam Forums
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.