doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
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“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
This is my pinned tweet
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to