Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
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Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.