Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
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Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.