my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
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4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
you gotta be faster
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”