If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
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Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-