HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
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*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.