I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
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Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
True?
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
calling in to work dehydrated
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.