commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
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Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.