Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
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Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I like long walks away from everyone
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza