One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
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Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao