watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
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If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.