[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
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him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
In case you needed to hear it:
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
When someone says you are so lazy
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door