*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
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My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
So we got a goldfish…
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.