I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
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Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Single and childfree like Jesus
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.