I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
You Might Also Like
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?