boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this