i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
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Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.