[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
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I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
lmao
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.