Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
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Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat