If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
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My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
B
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
the composer
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.