Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
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COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then