No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
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Not now. I’m deglazing.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist