I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
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I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.