Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
You Might Also Like
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said